i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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