I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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