Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
