one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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