i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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