Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
