I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
