I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
