last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
