The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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