new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
