White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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