i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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