i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
