Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
