In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
