Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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