Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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