Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
