I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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