Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
