So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I just had sex on a roof
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
