I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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