come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
