i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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