This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
