just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
