I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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