Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
