She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
