Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize