I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
