apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
