My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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