so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
