i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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