watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
