I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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