Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Randomize
