My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
