matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
