OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I just found a bag of teeth...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
