That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
