i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
