The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
