theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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