it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
