Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
