remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
