great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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