The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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