I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
