New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
