I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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