Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
