My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
