Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
