Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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